Friday, November 8, 2013

Planting the Seed

Digging through old Facebook photos in the wee hours of the morning I came across pictures from the day we came home from the hospital. Also the day I allowed harm to be done to my little lovebug. More than 2 years later I still feel awful about it. I can't even look at these pictures without crying, knowing what happened to him on what was supposed to be a happy day of bringing our baby home. I also noticed that in all of the pictures of myself, I look glazed over. I do remember that day that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I honestly can't remember if I've told my story on this page before or not.

The morning of July 25, 2011 when the nurse came in and asked if they would be doing a circumcision for my son, I hesitated in my heart, but not verbally. Rewind a couple of weeks before my son was born, DH and I were in a childbirth education class at a local hospital. One thing the nurse told me that stuck in my mind was that my hormone levels would be off and that I would think things that weren't necessarily how I felt. Well that morning, my intuition told me to leave my boy alone. It was screaming at me!!!!!!!! And the only thing I could think of was, this must be that crazy hormone thing that our educator told me about. So I blindly signed consent and sent my baby on his way. Since I didn't have him, and hadn't left the hospital room I was in for over 48 hours, I had my mom help me take a walk around L&D. Even though I had a tour of the hospital and knew where the 'procedure' room was, for some reason we walked down that hallway. Even though I only knew him for 2 days, I knew his tone. I knew his sounds. I knew his cry. The screams and crying I heard from the hallway were definitely coming from MY baby. I froze in my tracks, in shock that he was hurting so badly. Everything in me wanted to beat down that door and take my baby far, far away. I was in shock as I stood there. My mom didn't say a word but rather took me by the arm and continued on our walk. I followed.

Knowing what I know now, I'm sure that even if I had banged and hollered for them to stop, the damage had already been done. I hate myself for allowing myself to believe that statement over my intuition. I hate that I never once looked into circumcision prior to having my baby, especially since I took so much time and care to look into everything from car seats to bath soap. How could I so blindly be led into something I knew nothing about? I wish that just ONE person had mentioned anything about leaving my boy intact. I would have at least googled it. I know not every regretter is an 'intactivist', but life experience has made me that way so that I can inform others. I hope to at least plant the seed in the minds of expecting parents that despite our culture and society there are options worth exploring. Moreover, I just hope that those I come in contact with make an informed decision, not just follow blindly in their parents footsteps. Thanks for reading my story.


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